generic unsolicited email about extraordinary productivity

Dear telco subsidiary sending me cliche-ridden Office 365 ads via LinkedIn InMail,

A few things:

Working Together

First--and I may be being intentionally too literal here because I hate your guts--if I took the "work" out of working together, there wouldn't be a "together." My coworkers are a good bunch, but I wouldn't be with them if it wasn't for work. Maybe we'll "drink together" for about an hour after work every now and then, but make no mistake: work is our primary together-holder. If you took the work out of working together, then I wouldn't need that product you're so tastelessly peddling through my InMail inbox.

Best-in-Class

Next: what on earth does "best-in-class" even mean? With your massive valuation, I would think you could have afforded a copywriter and an approving manager who would have known better than use a hackneyed adjective.

Extraordinary Productivity

And finally, whenever I see the words "extraordinary" and "productivity" right next to each other--forgive me--I am suspicious. If you have any management experience or sense of critical reason at all, you would know that any superlative description of productivity would at best be hype, at its most frequent state a flat out lie. "Extraordinary productivity" in an ad? How believable.

Human

Now if you were at least a 40-percent human organism named Albert and spoke to me like I was one too--

Hi, Jay.
Albert here, account manager for Telco Subsidiary. I've been researching the technical writing service of Saiff Solutions and want to invite you to a 30-day free trial of Office 365--essentially the Microsoft Office tools you're already familiar with, designed to help you work with the rest of the globally dispersed Saiff Solutions team, regardless of your device.
Do take advantage of this offer, and I'll be on-hand with the #1 certified cloud experts in the country to help you implement it at Saiff Solutions.
Albert
(555) 555 5555

--I might have clicked on your call-to-action or viewed your profile, despite knowing your message was an automated marketing email, made to sound human through a good database, personalization tags, and minimally clever copy.

For now, thank you for reminding me to unsubscribe from promotional messages from "LinkedIn's marketing partners."

Sincerely 40-percent human,
Jay

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